I honestly thought that the Maga came with wisdom. But it seems all she comes with is plenty of questions, a world of unknown and so much frustration. Thankfully I am seeing she also comes with ‘aha’ moments, going with the flow and a few “feck that BS” moments, resulting in letting go of what has not served me for years. Yep, the Maga has bought a degree of clarity I think I could learn to appreciate. However, in the midst of it, I am feeling heaps of frustration.
I know, I know if I was giving me some advice right now it would probably go something like this. “Its okay not to have goals and totally fine not to know what direction you are moving in. And it is completely right just to trust the process and let life unfold. Don’t worry, it will all be perfect. You are exactly where you need to be. Definitely enjoy this time however it presents itself, its neither good nor bad. Embrace the moment.”.
But you know what, feck that BS. I am confused, lost and frustrated right now. Normally at the beginning of the year I set some really strong intentions that give me guidance and goals to work towards. They are like a beacon of light, that help me along my path during the year so that when I do feel I have walked off course, I can easily get back on that pathway again. Right now though, I got nothing.
I ended 2021 in the most amazing way. After 2 years of deep womb diving and wallowing in a heap of black icky goo of self-discovery (yeah I found a self I didn’t like but…), I finally found the heart space pleasure of self-love I had been seeking. It was mind-blowing. So much clarity received from retreat with the beautiful facilitators and woman from the Sacred Women’s Way tribe. It was the retreat I needed to do, in fact no denying the last 27 months has been the work I needed to do.
All of it started with the full intention of making the coming into my Maga years easier to manage. Self-repressed anger, unexpressed feelings can lead to an unpleasant psychosomatic experience during the peri-menopausal years. And honestly if I hadn’t done that work, I do not want to be doing this transition as the person I was before that trip of self-discovery. Still, I am feeling a bit ungrateful right now. Ungrateful for all that work I have done. Ungrateful for the tools I have at my disposable. Ungrateful for the people I have come to love. Ungrateful for the clearing out.
Because after all this work, I am still feeling a bit lost. Setting superficial intentions for a new year new me just does not seem real. Embracing goals, I really have no intention of moving towards just doesn’t feel right. And it seems I cannot go deeper than superficial right now. I am all ‘deepened’ out. I think I just want to swim in the shallows. Is this what mothers of human children feel like? The ‘touched’ out feeling.
Anyway while I just sit in my frustration and swim in the unknown for a while longer I guess I might just enjoy it. Somehow…