As I walked in the garden this morning, I couldn't help but admire the wildness of the garden. With all her weeds and heaviness from the morning dew she seemed to be revelling in an amazing unabandoned wildness.
In that moment I noticed her beauty and I was jealous.
This has been a feeling that had been arising time and time again as I observed something in women around me. And I had been really struggling with this feeling. I disliked what was being left behind even as the jealousy dissipated.
There is a saying about jealousy being a curse. And in my experience it often comes down to Sister Shadow work. A feeling of competitiveness, of being left behind, of that deep feeling of missing out. I had felt my Sister Shadow of Jealousy was heavily related to feelings of being abandoned by the mother aspects of self. But today I felt jealousy arise associated with this feeling of wild abandonment. And it is not a curse. It is a lesson!
My garden was naturally beautiful. Clearly there was neglect in her. I hadn't weeded for months. Yet here she is standing in such glory and even dare I say abundance. That was it - neglected and she seemed to be thriving. Wow is this what I was jealous about.
We all have a choice in life and even when someone does abandon us we can choose to survive, die or thrive. This is what I need to learn here. Instead of feeling all these jealous feelings of only just surviving my abandonment, I really want to thrive. So time to put away surviving and convert it into that gorgeous wildness I see in my garden and thrive.
Yesterday I was out enjoying the gorgeous Autumn weather we have been experiencing here in Queensland. Not entirely sure we can describe 33 degrees as Autumn weather though.
As I was working in the garden, I noticed one of my furbabies under one of the Citrus Fruit Trees. Starring intently! Into the canopy of the tree. Curious I decided to check out what she was looking at. My first thought was snake. Its not inconceivable to think we would have snakes. We live on a semi-rural property and I definitely have seen snakes before. And while I am a little wary of our serpentine friends, I wanted to see it.
Anyway I looked and I looked. Stood there starring for ages along with my (now thinking totally crazy) pup. I moved positions to see if I could get a new perspective. Again I stood starring into the tree's branches. Nothing. Moved position again - this time I crouched down and got a little comfortable on the ground. Sat there just watching up into the tree.
Strangely after a few moment of gazing up with a curious nature I felt a gentle calmness wash over me. It then became evident what my furry friend was trying to show me. I had the opportunity, I needed to heed the space that I had been granted in my schedule. Space to stop and meditate.
Yep I am totally convinced my pooch was showing me how to meditate. Either that or she is seriously batty - LOL
Maybe there is a lesson we can all take from this. Slow down, get curious and enjoy the space we are given in nature.
Change is constant. Everything changes, it is our attitude and how we meet this change that determines how we begin the next cycle, how we progress through the next cycle
Making a change requires a shedding of identities we have gotten to know well, removing these can be like parting from a loved one who has died. There may be a process of grieving, a period of transition as you shed and then grieve and finally rejuvenate.
Time to Nurture
Time to Play
Let's have fun I say
Time to Love
Time to Say
All that has not been done with gay
O'Mother your force
is evident to me
Roaring through the trees
No date recorded
I have been reflecting on a particular meditation practice. And came to the conclusion that I needed to rework this meditation. It was too long, I didn't feel the balance I was hoping for and well frankly the whole thing seemed totally incongruent with what it said it was all about. But then that voice of self-doubt was like "Who do you think you are for criticising? You are so egoic to think it needs to be changed particularly when its not even yours to do so". Then another voice says "Yes but it is YOUR meditation practice and you can change it to suit!"
Hmmmm more reflection needed.
So I take up the research books and begin reading more about the practice. I dive deep into it. The general idea of the practice is is release the armour you hold around greed, judgement and what I see as the egoic self in a negative frame.
Hmmmm this is familiar. Wasn't this the conversation I had in my head?
I often have this issue with the ego right - I largely see it as negative. It holds me back from embracing all aspects of the part of me I believe is authentic and truthful and has the job of keeping me from connecting to the full embodied self. At least that is how I see it, some days. Not everyday but often on those more difficult, challenging days when I just want to be all fluffy and lovey like.
Time for a break - overthinking!!!!
I head out into the garden and I find the most beautiful orchid in full bloom. When did that come out? She is absolutely stunning in her glory of petals and colour. There are a few flowers just perfectly opened. Look at that! But then there are others that have not opened fully and probably won't. They look like they are crowded out and a little imperfect. Still they are gorgeous with their crinkles and colours merging with the perfect ones. They just look sensational. All of them - perfectly formed and imperfectly formed.
As I really take in the orchids, colours, shapes and even scent, I see the connection to the meditation.
The colours remind me of the womb energy moving upwards through the egoic self and coming to bloom in the heart. The energy is exactly as it should be. Perfect and imperfect together.
This orchid is beautiful with her wisdom. The realisation becomes cleared and the message dawns on me.
All aspects of the self make up the whole and it doesn't matter if we perceive it as negative or positive. The armour serves a purpose as important as the naked vulnerability and openness of laying yourself bare. It all follows the same pathway leading to the heart. How we decide to meet the egoic aspect is what determines the negative or positive viewpoint and ultimately how the heart herself blooms. We can crowd the heart out with negative armouring or we can create space.
Our heart is laid open with an attitude of gratitude. So do we find gratitude in the aspects of what we dislike or do we continue to push the negative down and try to disguise it, hide it and tell ourselves we are not good enough or worthy enough to experience all aspects of who we are?
It has constantly been raining overnight and the continues a steady downpour.
The chores need doing. I am not afraid of getting wet (I mean I won't melt despite some thinking me a witch). But the thought of slopping around is not appealing.
Thankfully I have my gloshers. I don the raincoat and announce to the dogs "Chickie Time" (the usual signal its time for a garden jaunt). I swear there is a small hesitation - some resistance to drag themselves off the couch. And yet they manage to peel themselves from their seat and meander out into the rain with me.
Not looking forward to wet dog smell to be honest but meh it will all clean out eventually. I can always burn candles to disguise the smell.
As I head down the back, I notice how soft and spongy the ground is. So different to a few weeks ago. Dry, cracked and hard.
Actually this is cool. what else can I notice about the changes bought on my rain.
Wow - the Dragonfruit have some new flowers. With surprise I see the bees working. They are really rolling around in glee amongst all the pollen, making the most of the flowers while they are in bloom. Dragonfruit flowers have a short bloom life - less then 12 hours and generally will be all withered by mid-morning due to the evening preference for opening.
Watching the bees in action, even on a drizzly morning is a huge lesson. I was sure bees would stay in their hive with the rain. Clearly this is not the case. The chores need doing regardless of the weather even for bees.
They certainly look like they are having fun doing their chores. And actually so am I.
I swear that bee is laughing as it throws itself back into that flower.
This makes me laugh and I start looking around for more exciting lessons from the wet, soggy garden.
And the garden delights with her amazing fungi. I have never seen one like that in my garden before. An amazing red pattern growing in the most random of spot.
You know even the Golden Orb Spiders in the hen house do not seem too perturbed by the rain.
I guess rain is just another part of nature that just changes everything but nothing is bothered by it too much. Life just goes on.
Plenty of goodness in nature and maybe we can all learn from her. Perhaps we should all stop and appreciate her more often even when life seems slightly unpleasant. We might just be pleasantly surprised if we get a little curious.